10. Money and others – no undo button with money

In the two previous lessons, we looked at money and our spouse and children. What have you implemented? What changes have you seen in your relationship with them? Let’s keep widening the circle and include relatives and friends.
Take a few minutes and think of all the ways you interact with your relatives and friends about money.
Ready? 

Invitations, presents, peer pressure, support, feelings, ethics… there are many ways we interact with relatives / friends and money.
Guess what… if we were alone, on a desert island, we would not need money.
Money is a social tool: it is a tool to interact with others. So we’d better be clear on how money impacts our relationships… Money can make and break relations… think and act mindfully! There is no ‘undo’ button with money. Here are some questions for you to think of:

• Does money management mean being more selfish? It can if you prioritise all your expenses and set your goals for yourself only. But it can also help you reduce selfish expenses and save for family goals or support a relative.
• Does money impact whom you consider ‘friend’? Friends you find “cool” because they invite you, have “cool” things, or friends you can trust because they are honest and keep their promises.  Do you value your friends for who they are or for how much they are worth?
• Does money set how you feel? You feel upset when you see someone with a trendier or more fashionable item than yours, or resent the (actual or apparent) financial success of others, your feelings are directly linked to your bank balance… or do you just feel content whatever your bank balance and whatever the others may have?
• Is money… your goal or a tool to achieve your goals? A tool to become a better human being?

Be clear on your relationship with money… to nurture clear relationships with others!

1. Clear: don’t overpromise; don’t say yes when you mean no.  If you lend or borrow money to/from family or friends, write it down and agree on how and when it will be pay back.
2. Fair and honest: Do to others… what you would like them to do to you.
3. Trustworthy: keep your promise.  Give back what you owe.
4. Mindful: don’t show off; be considerate to others who may have less money than you: without realizing it, you may make them feel and resent that difference. Don’t oppress others because you are in a better financial position.

There is no undo button with money. When trust is broken, it is hard to make it up. 

Here are a few practical pieces of advice on financial dealings with others.

Supporting others financially:

• Help yourself to help others (pix of someone at edge of tree trying to help someone falling):
  • Budget and calculate how much you can give or lend.
  • You cannot give what you don’t have: If you only have enough to feed your family and pay your commitments, then you are not in a position to help. Avoid borrowing money to help others, except in case of real emergency.
  • Decide regular amount to give to your family members or relatives (parents, children…) who need a long term support. Try to minimise irregular and emergency remittances that are harder to plan and manage.
  • Prioritise your other expenses and save for emergencies so that you don’t have to ask others for support.
  • Prioritise your other expenses and save for emergencies so that you can help a family member or relative in an emergency or difficult situation.
• Be clear:
  • Discuss with your family in a clear and calm way (follow the tips given in the lesson 8) what the money is for (emergency, bill, debt installment…), how much they need, their other options, and how and when they plan to pay back if you lend them money.
  • Don’t promise … and realise you cannot fulfil your promise.
  • If you lend money, write and sign an agreement (amount and payback plan) with the borrower. This is very very important. Whatever the amount and the trust you have in that person, whether it is a close family member or not. Write it to avoid confusion and disagreement or simply that one forgets… and that will fuel resentment.  
  • Be clear with yourself: you cannot help everyone.
• Help is not only financial:
  • Encourage your family/relatives to note down income and expenses.
  • Give tips on controlling expenses and budgeting.
  • Help them plan and save for big yearly expenses.
  • Encourage them to list their debts if any. Identify how to help them pay back to reduce interest burden.
  • Explain to them how to track their business income/expenses if they have a workshop/ stall/ shop and see if it makes a profit.
  • Remind them to keep their important papers (land deeds…) safely and someone trustworthy knows where they are. In case something bad happens, you know how to help and claim their rights.
  • If your family cannot read or write, help them with their papers to prevent them from taking misinformed decisions or being cheated.
  • Discourage big presents- being together is more valuable than expensive presents or a lot of food.
  • Avoid showing or talking about your latest purchases… this may push your friends and family to buy something they may not need or may not be able to afford, or create jealousy.

Social expenses: (invitations, presents…):

• Budget and calculate how much you can spend –whether it’s social events like weddings or going out with colleagues.
• Say no if you cannot afford it in an appropriate way. If you cannot afford going to 10 weddings a month, prioritise while trying to be fair. If you cannot afford going out with friends, tell them… they may be glad to learn about money management and reduce their expenses too.
• Recycle clothes or swap with friends… you don’t have to invest into a new suit for each event.
• Don’t gamble… this is the seed of conflicts and resentment between friends.
• Remember… think why you spend (lesson 5): how can you nurture family and friendship … without necessarily shopping.